Witness: Mid-80’s Astros Uniforms

Look at the uniforms from T-Bone’s playing days.

And he’s questioning MY STYLE?!?!?!

T-Bone Taylor… what a Jerk-face.

Seriously, this guy doesn’t get it.

I can’t believe he’s questioning my love of the 14th district. Maybe I need to explain a little GEOGRAPHY to my opponent (if he knows what that word means) but I live over on the north side of the county. In Arbor Diamond Heights, to be specific, and that means I go to Chef Templeton Riley’s “Los Range” for my meatatorium needs. They have just about the finest ribs you can imagine. Sake braised kobe short ribs!

They’re so good they practically flake like fish when you touch em with your fork. That’s real bbq in my opinion! Nevermind seven patrons of T-Bone’s establishment have been treated for immediate coronary bi-passes as a result of his “extra-msg” version of double dip pork ribs.

And the reason you’ve never seen me possum hunting is that I’m part of the fox hunting escapades to the north! How dare he question my commitment to hunting and 2nd amendment rights? I’ll strap on my riding pants for a hunt any day of the week!

AND as for my criticism of his baseball “career” let me say here and now the facts to clear things up. T-Bone’s career was actually more of a four year run. The last two seasons his sudden and convenient “knee problems” allowed him to play a total of 8 games. RIGHT AFTER he signed an extension. He was the “Carl Pavano” of the mid 80’s ’stros. As for his ludicrous claim he could put up A-Rodesque numbers of .340/35/130 this day and age, well let me say this: I know Alex Rodriguez. We golf and sail together. And you sir, are no Alex Rodriguez.  And your so called “references” wanted nothing to do with you. I talked to Nolan Ryan and he didn’t even know who the hell you are! Seriously his exact words were “who?” followed by “get out of my house!”

ANNNDDDD how dare you insult my wife! This aggression will not stand! And for your information, why she just had a good lay the other week! HA! So take that!

AND FINALLY… I have now alerted the authorities as to your Terror Fighting Squad tax evasion schemes. Thanks for letting the beans spill on that one! Jerk-Face!

JKS for congress 2010

<3jks

My Opponent

Well it appears I’m running against someone in the 14th district.

Local celebrity and form Astros 2nd basemen T-Bone Taylor has thrown his hat into the ring and is now my opponent for the 2010 election. He made his announcement via website:

http://tbone4congress.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/mighty-important-announcement/

Ladies and gentlemen,

I cannot impress on you enough how much this man is an idiot.

Even just ignoring his terrible command of syntax, he can barely form coherent thoughts, and he makes large assumptions of prejudice. Plus the Astros were terrible those years. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure his rib joint once gave a bunch of people dysentery (which is something I only thought you could get on The Oregon Trail… the video game… not the trail).

But because this is politics I guess I HAVE to give my opponent some credence while masking contempt with back-handed compliments and subtle jabs.

Let’s start this nonchalant hoo-hah with a carefully assembled critique of the statements and proposed policies in his announcement:

-Tolerance, Compassion, and Progress aren’t fancy words. They’re buzz words used to represent the forward thinking mentality of smart, well-intentioned people.

-Mr. Taylor seems to think I spent the 80s at a fancy pants school in Boston. Well guess what? CAMBRIDGE IS NOT BOSTON!

-Flamethrowers are illegal in any state except Alaska.

-He’s so proud of his baseball stats but did you know he was thrown out 15 times in the 83 season? That’s above the league average.

-T-Bone swears to uphold the 5th amendment. Yet what makes his such a big fan of eminent domain!? A man who swears by the rights of private property proclaims that all land is really owned by the government! Not so great an amendment now huh! (note: I heartily endorse the 5th amendment)

-Moreso, he seems to be CONFUSED about the 3rd amendment. I for one am even more in support of our troops having a place to stay in wartime. Why I’d be more than happy to lend them a place to stay. How bout that Mr. “I support the troops”???? I bet I can fit more in my house.

-Mrs. Obama is an incredibly attractive woman. Hauntingly so.

-Member of T-Bone’s Terror Squad have been arrested in 4 states on various counts of: grand larceny, tax evasion, possible hate crimes, jaywalking, EZ Pass fraud, and inappropriate sexual acts with a cow.

- I’m pretty sure T-Bone isn’t his really name.

-The ridiculous notion that gay people sneak into your house and have sex with your children. Gay people are not sexual predators. They are human beings. Adults. And they deserve to be treated as such. How can we move forward as a society when %10 of our population is considered 2nd class citizens?  Could you Imagine Will and Grace without Will and Jack!?!?! It would have been just been two whiny broads.

In conclusion, why should this even be a race? He’s a slow-talking, gun-toting, bible-fearing populist with a chain of dysentery-dropping rib restaurants, a hate-mongering militia, and stunted career with a bad Astros team. I’m a Harvard educated, left/center leaning democrat, twice decorated former army reservist with a damn good haircut, beautiful but reserved suits, and four “I’d hit that with a fist of an angry god when they’re 18″ daughters that make the people in J-Crew catalogue familes look like AIDS-ridden carnies.

The choice is obvious.

John Kennedy Sinclaire for Congress 2010

<3jks

I’m John Kennedy Sinclaire and I want you to hear a story

It’s a story about a man who believed that this country is better than the sum of its parts. That one man can make a difference. That everybody deserves the credit for being a human being of this country.

That man is me.

I was born John Forte Kennedy Sinclaire IV. I grew up true and right, in the complete American traditon. My father was a simple man.  A proud man. Early in his life, he grew up working the hard way as a caddy in Massachusetts. This job while limited in its prospectus, naturally seguewayed  into the world of Politics, where my took a keen interest in his fellow man.  “Helping people is the best way to feel great about yourself” he used to tell before ski lessons. It struck a chord with me. I must say, he was also a devastatingly handsome man. His affections wooed a young woman named Elaine Hope Diamington.  She was absolutely smitten with the man of simple means, and much to the chagrin of her father she fell in love. My Grandfather still approved of the union in the end, as is the custom of your only daughter. They were married on a secret island off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard known as Martha’s Vineyard’s Vineyard. It was a small ceremony with 500 of their closest friends. I look back at that time with fondess and like to think of it as my inception. Mostly because that’s when I was concieved. But also because it represents something.

I am their first child and the fourth in my lineage. When I think about that word “lineage” lots of things come to mind. Like welfare and the right to abort multiple fetuses. So I got involved with Politics like my father before me. I love politics. I love being a democrat. It’s truly wonderful. Plus I look better in blue.

Oh yes I did get a latte. Great. Look what you made me type.

Where was I? Yes. I’m running for congress. Because someone needs to stand up to the republican hate machine and democrats seem to be doing pretty damn well right now. And plus, that’s just what Sinclaire’s do. See you on the flip side. JKS 2010!

<3jks