Well it appears I’m running against someone in the 14th district.
Local celebrity and form Astros 2nd basemen T-Bone Taylor has thrown his hat into the ring and is now my opponent for the 2010 election. He made his announcement via website:
http://tbone4congress.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/mighty-important-announcement/
Ladies and gentlemen,
I cannot impress on you enough how much this man is an idiot.
Even just ignoring his terrible command of syntax, he can barely form coherent thoughts, and he makes large assumptions of prejudice. Plus the Astros were terrible those years. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure his rib joint once gave a bunch of people dysentery (which is something I only thought you could get on The Oregon Trail… the video game… not the trail).
But because this is politics I guess I HAVE to give my opponent some credence while masking contempt with back-handed compliments and subtle jabs.
Let’s start this nonchalant hoo-hah with a carefully assembled critique of the statements and proposed policies in his announcement:
-Tolerance, Compassion, and Progress aren’t fancy words. They’re buzz words used to represent the forward thinking mentality of smart, well-intentioned people.
-Mr. Taylor seems to think I spent the 80s at a fancy pants school in Boston. Well guess what? CAMBRIDGE IS NOT BOSTON!
-Flamethrowers are illegal in any state except Alaska.
-He’s so proud of his baseball stats but did you know he was thrown out 15 times in the 83 season? That’s above the league average.
-T-Bone swears to uphold the 5th amendment. Yet what makes his such a big fan of eminent domain!? A man who swears by the rights of private property proclaims that all land is really owned by the government! Not so great an amendment now huh! (note: I heartily endorse the 5th amendment)
-Moreso, he seems to be CONFUSED about the 3rd amendment. I for one am even more in support of our troops having a place to stay in wartime. Why I’d be more than happy to lend them a place to stay. How bout that Mr. “I support the troops”???? I bet I can fit more in my house.
-Mrs. Obama is an incredibly attractive woman. Hauntingly so.
-Member of T-Bone’s Terror Squad have been arrested in 4 states on various counts of: grand larceny, tax evasion, possible hate crimes, jaywalking, EZ Pass fraud, and inappropriate sexual acts with a cow.
- I’m pretty sure T-Bone isn’t his really name.
-The ridiculous notion that gay people sneak into your house and have sex with your children. Gay people are not sexual predators. They are human beings. Adults. And they deserve to be treated as such. How can we move forward as a society when %10 of our population is considered 2nd class citizens? Could you Imagine Will and Grace without Will and Jack!?!?! It would have been just been two whiny broads.
In conclusion, why should this even be a race? He’s a slow-talking, gun-toting, bible-fearing populist with a chain of dysentery-dropping rib restaurants, a hate-mongering militia, and stunted career with a bad Astros team. I’m a Harvard educated, left/center leaning democrat, twice decorated former army reservist with a damn good haircut, beautiful but reserved suits, and four “I’d hit that with a fist of an angry god when they’re 18″ daughters that make the people in J-Crew catalogue familes look like AIDS-ridden carnies.
The choice is obvious.
John Kennedy Sinclaire for Congress 2010
<3jks
